Taxi Tales

India-servations

-There are cleaners everywhere. While in the Delhi airport for 6 hours, I watched a guy go back and forth with a dust mop the entire time. Same goes at the office, with guys coming around my desk every 10 minutes dusting.

-Animals. All over. Driving home at night is crazy, with bulls, wild dogs, hogs and who knows whatever else running around.

-The side of the road is apparently a giant urinal. You can frequently see men at work while driving around.

-When Indians agree with you, they bob their heads side to side. This is difficult to get used to, and if you're trying to maintain eye contact, you may find yourself doing it too.

-If I were to start a business here, it'd be a car horn manufacturer or selling break pads. All you hear is horns and squeaking breaks. When my driver approaches someone, he honks. When he passes, he honks. When a wild dog runs in front of the car, he honks. When he's bored, he honks.

-To further the above, driving here is crazy. No one appreciates the concept of lanes. Everyone just cuts everyone else off in a giant swarm of vehicles. Even crazier, I haven't seen an accident yet.

-No knives. You eat a lot with your hands, and if using utensils, you use a fork and spoon. Each meal then ends with hand washing. If you're white, you might get a knife though.

-Everyone wants to help you. If you're carrying something, they'll probably try to carry if for you, and then ask for a tip in your home country currency. Best policy is to just say no thanks from the very beginning.

-Similar to the above, you really stand out in a crowd, and the crowd lets you know--as you have to get used to people just staring at you all the time.

-If you stand out, that means you're in position to be ripped off. Everyone will try to charge you 500% more. Best strategy with rickshaw drivers is to yell loudly, as they can't understand what you're saying anyways.

-Communication is difficult. Once you're miss-understood, you have very little chance of reversing things. While waiting for my car this morning, the security guard at my house asked if I wanted coffee. I said "no thanks," as I was going for a workout. He then asked if I wanted water, I said "sure." He then said he'd get me hot water (connecting to the coffee), I said "no thanks, regular water will be just fine." I ended up with a cup of boiling hot water. I appreciated the effort and drank as quickly as possible, but I wouldn't recommend this to anyone.

-Apparently warm water is commonly drunk in the winter (ie: 80 degree weather).

-Beers here have an MSRP on the back of them, like cars. Also, when the beer is brought to you at a bar, you're asked to feel it to make sure it's cold enough. This confused the heck out of me the first time.

-When ordering bottled water, you'll also be asked if you want it chilled or not. Also pretty confusing, as I thought that chilled was the only way to have water.

-Related to the cleaning, people are always sweeping on the streets and sidewalks here. I don't really get it though, as it just moves the dirt from one area to the next, where another guy is sweeping.

-Indians apparently love feedback. Whether at restaurants or on planes, you receive feedback forms to fill out. Best policy is to avoid these as well.

-When in a restaurant, the server will serve you everything. Don't touch the food dishes, as they may smack your hands away so that they can pile more food on your plate.

-Be careful how you order. Naan is delicious, but you have to be careful what you order this with. Indians match wet (like curries) with dry (rice & breads). Ordering tandoori chicken (no sauce) and naan is not a good idea--I had the restaurant manager question me on this one.

-When people meet you, they love to ask if you're married. As in, that's the 3rd question they ask after name & home country.

-Crossing the road here is an adventure, as cross walks do not exist. My general strategy has been to cross in front of ambulances, as they seem like the safest vehicle to be hit by.

-Most intersections have traffic lights, however, they also still have a guy directing traffic. I'm not really sure how to explain this one.

My Shampoo's a Sham

This morning, I awoke to mindless radio, and embarked on the daily grooming routine that many of us across the world share. Although, this morning was different, as I engaged in an epic battle with my shampoo bottle. It was coming to that point in my bottle's life cycle where that cleansing goodness was clinging for its life to the bottom of the bottle & refusing to meet its lathering fate in my hair. This particular morning, I was in the clear, however, I wanted to set myself up for smooth sailing for days to come, and I struggled to keep this bottle balanced upside-down so that gravity could do its trick while I was busy at work. This whole undertaking, as trivial as it seems, really got me thinking about the whole shampoo business.

Lets get the boring numbers paragraph out of the way. The general consensus is that you use a quarter-sized drop (apologies for non-Americans-think 20p). The average shampoo bottle looks to be 300ml, and it lasts around 1.5 months (un-scientific). Therefore, you're using roughly 6.7ml per wash. If that bottle costs $5, that's 11 cents per wash. From being a cheapo, and tipping my bottle over, I know I can get 5 more days out of the bottle, which means there's on average 33.3ml that is very stubborn in your shampoo bottle, or 55 cents worth. Many shampoo manufacturers (think Unilever, Procter & Gamble) still shy away from those bottles that sit upside-down, and I'm guessing this is for economic reasons. If the average consumer has a 50 year window of purchasing their own shampoo, they would buy roughly 400 bottles of shampoo ($2K worth). However, if that bottle was upside down, they'd buy 365 bottles ($1825), a savings of $175, or 175 items from your local fast food joint's dollar menu. Solution: these companies could charge $5.48 on average for the upside-down bottles, and all would be happy with less waste in the world. Oddly enough, those upside-down bottles do appear to be more expensive.

As an interesting aside, in researching the finer points of this post, I read in NPR that Americans apparently love shampoo--washing our hair an average of 4.59 times per week (twice as much as Italians and Spaniards). The article goes deeper by showing the tides supposedly all changed in May or 1908 when the NYT advised women they could deviate from the standard once per month wash, and do it every 2 weeks. Later, TV commercials featured models like Farrah Fawcett, and washing your hair was cool. According to dermatologists, 2-3 times per week should do the trick, as much more than this will remove too much sebum oil, which makes the sebaceous glands produce even more of that stuff, whatever it does. This ads an interesting twist in the life cycle of the shampoo bottle,. I may find myself needing to flip it upside-down less often, buy less, and only deal with the consequence of more flies loving my head on the way to work. I guess less really is more.

The Hair Therapist

There are necessities in life, and getting your hair cut is one of them, for most. In an earlier post, I mentioned the barriers involved when speaking with dental hygienists. With hair stylists, the only barriers are conversation-skill-oriented (along with the occasional hair dryer). This brings me to my main point, stylists should be great conversationalists or mimes, but nothing in-between.

I don't claim to have the greatest hair cut, nor do I claim to be the best conversationalist. However, last time I checked, these weren't required credentials for a valid opinion. I digress. Back to the point, a great hair cutter doesn't just cut hair, they also are your modern-day confessional. When you're in such tight quarters, hair is flying, and all you can do is look in the mirror. The hair therapist is a natural outlet. Not only do I often tell my now-regular stylist, Kat, the inns-and-outs of my life, I also overhear those around me doing the same. A great stylist sparks this and carries it, and we never stop to ask why we tell them these intimate details.

The mime stylist is okay as well. This could be an old fashioned barber who just gets the job done. Wham-bam, thank you mam (or sir). I have no complaints about this approach, as long as the final product is presentable.

Now, lets talk about the stylist that falls in-between the 2 above. We can call them Awkward Annies. They're easy to spot. Conversations usually start with the weather, move on to the weekend plans, and then tail off in awkward silence. The silence can persist for awhile, and if they're good at their particular craft, they'll probably ask a few more yes-no questions right when the blow dryer comes out. If you were in a bar, this is the person that you'd escape from with a bathroom break. However, half done hair cuts just aren't in fashion any more. Therefore, the plan B for this one is to order a few more drinks (probably water or tea at the salon, unfortunately), as the conversation will surely not be memorable, and hope that you stumble upon someone better next time...

Signs of the Corporate Life

I'm lucky enough to not have suffered too much of the corporate lifestyle, however, every now and then corporate things creep in. These are things/habits that most are oblivious to, however, if you pause to think about life before cubicles, you'll soon realise some pretty silly things you now accept as second nature:

• You now regularly iron your cloths. Or better yet, you get them dry cleaned/pressed for you, if you value your time. This isn't odd, however, if you have a big night out on a week night, you make sure you wear the best pressed shirt you have the next day. I guess the theory here is that crisp collars distract from bloodshot eyes.
• You've become an airport connoisseur. Oftentimes, in casual conversation with colleagues, you compare airport experiences & predict the level of enjoyment you'll receive on your next business trip by discussing the pros and cons of the airports you'll visit. "At least I have a layover in Dubai, I can get all of my duty free shopping done and they even have mobile phone chargers!" Or-"I am not looking forward to my stop in LAX, I'm sure I'll have to hop terminals, go back through security, and then I'll have nothing better to do than buy $10 Budweiser drafts and watch time fly."
  
• To further the above, you also feel the need to express your expertise: "Don't go via La Guardia, JFK is much better, especially since they've just remodeled much of it."
• You often judge people on their elevator habits. You have the crowd who are allergic to stairs and take the elevator up 1 floor. Then, you have the others who have very little elevator etiquette. Either they face the wrong way, or they proceed to engage you in conversation when you clearly have your tunes blasting in your ears.
• You have 2 mobile phones. One is your ball & chain, the other is your outlet.
  
• Blackberries are out, iPhones are in, but you still probably have a work Blackberry. If this is the case, you and Brick Breaker have become BFF's. Sometimes you even pick up your colleague's Blackberry when they're not looking, and if you're lucky enough, it's unlocked and you can get a peak into their high scores. No judgment is complete without this piece of information. My personal best is 9750 (I know, very average).
  
• You think and speak in 3 month increments. "I'm looking forward to Q3, I'm taking 2 weeks off for a beach & umbrella drink break!"
• Often, instead of simply exchanging phone numbers with new people you meet, you flick them your business card. This is natural, as it's a lot easier, but it's still a sign.
• You now really understand the comedic irony behind "The Office" and "Office Space."
  
• VC operations, Non-profits, NGO's & boards are the rage, really.
  
• Filing expense reports to the uninitiated would sound great. You collect receipts, organise them, and get money back. However, you realise this is a chore that is saved for completion at the last possible moment.
• You lunch.
• Your vocabulary changes the most since you were in grammar school: "I have one ask of you," "Lets increase efficiencies," "I'm working hard to streamline our processes," "Lets take this offline." You get the point...
  
• If you drink, you claim to drink way less than you did in college, and you often make a point of that.
• Tangentially related to the above, you are well prepared for standard Monday morning small talk: colleague: "How was your weekend." you: "It was really good, a quiet one of course. I just wish it didn't go so fast!"
  

Those Old Shoes

The other day, I was in the airport, and noticed an old man in the check-in line that had incredibly worn shoes. It wasn't just that the leather exteriors were worn, the soles were also worn down in certain parts, which one assumes would make walking uncomfortable.

The whole foray in the waiting line got me thinking about aging and shoes. At some time, there must be a breaking point. Good shoes are meant to last. However, if you are not meant to last, are these shoes worth the investment? What is that breaking point, and what does it take to admit it?

I come at many things from an advertising perspective, and this brings to mind a popular backpack brand in the U.S. that marketed around its ability to last. Do advertisers need to rethink and tailor their messages to the aged as well? From my airport anecdote, it appears that way. As morbid as it may seem, there must be a breaking point where the law of diminishing returns takes more weight. Are advertisers really paying attention to this sector and marketing and pricing accordingly?

Hedging Bets When Walking

Have you ever found yourself walking right in the path of someone else, and becoming increasingly concerned over how you were going to break away from their magnetic pull? As the sweat builds within your palms, you strategise on whether to break right or left when the time comes. Within seconds, it's go-time, and suddenly you find yourself intermittently breaking right then left, but not forward, which confuses the hell out of the other person, who begins to do the same. To on-lookers, you're either French & greeting each other, or you're performing a dance that is sure to be a fad soon.

You and I know that both guesses are wrong. Rather, you are trying to go on your way, but you have a natural instinct to hedge your bets. You break both ways as a safety net, just to avoid the off-chance that your counterpart is going to head the same way and cause a horrific collision. Recent statistics show that 8/10 times this strategy is not successful; not dissimilar to the lack of success that many hedge funds have seen over the past few years.

The above scenario happens more frequently in city centers, but it is applicable anywhere. Moving forward, I recommend picking your way and sticking to it. You'll not only avoid awkward interactions with strangers, but you'll also aid pedestrian traffic flow & get to your destination 1 minute sooner

Blind Optimism

Last Tuesday, I was walking to work, and I passed a seeing-impaired woman I would presume to be nice, because I'm just that optimistic. This started to get me thinking & brought me to the odd-servation about what optimism is. Is it believing the rainy forecast tomorrow is wrong? Or is it taking your shoes off and stomping around in the puddles, enjoying them for what they are?

Nope, I figured out at the end of my walk that it's not any of that stuff. If you do 1 thing today, write this down: Optimism is walking through a park or down a city side walk, seeing (or maybe even stepping in) dog poop, and not wanting to slap the dog owner on each cheek. An optimist would keep walking and imagine that woman with her seeing eye dog. Clearly she can't pick up after the dog, and the dog is talented, but not that talented. I'm not an optimist any more...

Great Ideas Begin at the Dentist

The other day, I was at the dentist getting a chipped tooth fixed. However, that is beside the point here. All normal people really don't enjoy trips to the tooth guy, but this isn't solely due to their minions poking your gums nor the huge sums of money they'll look to sneak from your wallet. A major, often overlooked, issue is the bound-to-be fruitless conversation the old doc tries to have with you. How does he expect you to respond with something meaningful about what's going on this weekend or politics when he has both of his hands playing in your mouth?
Well, the solution may not be all that far away. Everyone's friend, Stephen Hawking, uses some fancy gadgets to share his brilliance. I plan to make my next million by going dentist door to dentist door selling this fine device. My pitch: No longer will your clientele lay back in that awkward chair listening to you like a psychologist. You'll still get your work done, and even have the benefit of a computerised voice responding back to you! This may go a long way to curing the well-documented epidemic of dentist depression. Will you or your dentist be my first buyer?

What Lurks in Your Food...

In this US, we've become quite accustomed to finding surprises in our food, such as salmonella. Here in Australia, it's apparently quite common to find surprises in your food as well, such as MP3 players. To the left, you'll see this drumstick-like confection has MP3 players awaiting 1 in 10,000 peoples' front teeth. I spotted the sign while at the beach on a hot day and it was quite tempting. Dentists may disagree, but I prefer Australia's food surprises.

Budweiser, You've Got Competition

Two weeks ago, I was in Surfer's Paradise, a trashy beach town in Queensland. While walking back to my hotel, I passed a local spirits dealer and spotted this sign for South Pacific beer. It was news to me that Papua New Guinea had a favorite brew. I immediately felt the urge to share this, just in case it ever comes up in your local pub trivia.
Thinking more into this, and most likely over thinking this, many people still do not wear clothing in Papua New Guinea. At least that is according to the latest retail clothing industry reports, which forecast the island as a emerging market in 2025. With this in mind, do you think people there still put koozies on their beers, because it is quite hot there, and the beverages will not stay cold for long. If this is indeed the case, the beer strangely enough has more conservative garb than the individual holding it.

Local Sport

The included images were found in the window of a pub in Pyrmont. Apparently, Australians, much like Americans, love spectator sports. In this case, rather than paying for expensive horses, big hats, and mint juleps, you can grab a pint and watch crabs. This all seems fun, and the detail that makes this more intriguing is that fact that this is a seasonal sport. Image 2 details how this great sport will be starting back up on Australia Day (which was in January). Do you reckon the losing crabs end up being part of your next California roll?

The Birds

The included photo may just look like the outcome of an amateur with a fully charged digital camera, however, this is a typical scene in Sydney during dusk. If this makes you think of Hitchcock's "Birds" movies, you're a bit off. Rather, replace that thought with images of "The Wizard of Oz" and flying monkeys. Flying monkeys in Australia? Not quite, however, the next best thing are these giant bats (flying foxes). By day they hang in the trees at the Botanical Gardens, squealing and socialising, by night they fly around eating insects and stealing young children.

Hygene, Oz Style

It's Superman, It's a Plane, It's Flock of Seagulls?

Whilst on a ferry the other weekend, I peered out the window to spot this crew. My knee-jerk reaction was to get out a notepad and paper, thinking I'd finally score the autograph from Flock of Seagulls that I'd always secretly yearned for. Well, to my disappointment, this was just a group of teenagers with some interesting hair choices. Making this situation worse is the fact that it's now public that I'd like to get an autograph from this band of the 80's. On the bright side, now we all know that rat tails and mullets are back in for '09.

Weet-Bix Paradise

Few American's know of Weet-Bix, however, they are quite popular in British common wealth countries. Essentially, this breakfast food is a giant dry flaky biscuit that soaks up milk as well as the best sponges on the market. In the US, we get 1 variety that I know of, however, here in Australia, the varieties appear to be endless. Who could have imagined there were so many ways to compress wheat into an ovular biscuit? New personal mission: try all of these.